I have neglected this for quite some time now - life/ work/ everything has meant that it has fallen by the wayside, a typical 'me' project where I get all excited, spend loads of money and then left it drift. I'm not sure why I'm compelled to write today, or even if I will publish this. Maybe I just need to 'get it all out' and this will end up as a (hopefully) theraputic outpouring but no more.
The title says it all really. Life really is a bit sh*t right now. I'm trying to be grateful thatI have a wonderful son and husband, that I am not caught in a war zone, or affected by drought and famine, nursing a terminally ill loved one or trying to survive in a refugee camp. But try as I may, I can't shake the overall feeling of "meh" or "I just can't be bothered with life".
I always imagined that the hysterectomy - and therefore lack of PMDD - would be a silver bullet for my depression. It would magically be taken away, along with my uterus, and I would be forever happy. As readers of my other posts will have seen, I did struggle post op with getting my HRT right, and to be fair, it mostly is now. But I can't shake the blues away. Unfortuantely, they have still got right of way in my head, leaving me confused, tearful, intensely sad, sometimes angry and generally feeling very lost right now.
There has been a fair amount of cr@p going down of late, and I do know that this is partially to blame for my current state of mind. A stressful house project; parents not in the best of health; my son starting secondary school (and finding it quite challenging making the transition); my freelance work faltering so my income has dropped; my usual autumn 'slump'; and then my darling dog being killed by car after he escaped from what was supposed to be a field with suitable fencing. All these things have lead to me really struggling with my mental health, to the point where I haven't got out of bed at the weekend. I just didn't see the point.
All of the things that I used as tools to help with my mental health have now disappeared. Due to the lack of income, I have had to cancel my yoga and PT sessions. My daily dog walks - both exercise and headspace - are no more. Yes, I could just go for a walk, but the pain of not having Ted with me is a physical pain in my chest. I should do some yoga at home - there's plenty of videos and apps out there. I just can't be bothered. The same with exercise in general. I'm doing so little that my hips hurt, my back aches, I'm aware that any core strenght I had is diminishing by the day, and yet the motivation to 'do' anything is nil. Zip. Nada. And I have resorted to my previous vice - smoking. My husband abhors it, and I know I shouldn't be doing it, but it is my one small comfort on the days when I am home alone.
I have roused myself sufficiently to job hunt - pretty essential really as I watch the £ dwindling from my bank account, and know that I need to be trying to help my husband pay for aforementioned house project, as well as ensure that I can buy him a Christmas present, rather than him paying for his own. I've had a couple of interviews. They were ok. I fluffed the first one but have stopped beating myself up over that now. Do I know what I want to do? No. I am applying for jobs that I know I have the skill set for, but very much in a 'this will fit in with family/ school times etc'. I have no burning ambition or drive career wise - but who does? I guess there are a lucky few. It makes me smile - wryly - when I read articles in magazines and online advising retraining and 'finding the career that makes you happy'. Who has time - or financial freedom - to do that?
I'm trying hard get enough sleep and eat well - and I'm taking my antidepressants and HRT and raft of supplements - but sometimes my good intentions for healthy eating fail me completely, and a takeaway croissant with cheese and bacon finds its way into my car when I've filled up with fuel. I've been reading the brillant Ultra-Processed People by Chris van Tulleken, and it's a horrifying read. Part of me knows I shouldn't eat the cruddy croissant from the local BP, and that I should be making homemade stock and checking the ingredients on the beige foods my 11 year old seems to prefer. But the effort seems insurmountable right now.
#selfcare is a big buzzword out there at the moment. If you read all of the advice, sleep, diet, exercise, #selfcompassion, meditation as well as being content in your work are all things we should be embracing. Unfortunately #life gets in the way! My only self care at the moment is a bath - hopefully uninterrupted. I'm working on the sleep, but as we are currently living in a mobile home (albeit a very nice one) the constant rain thrumming on the roof overnight is not helping. I must add 'roof over my head' to my grateful list though... I also need to read to the point of exhaustion to stop my head from running away with me about the loss of my dog, worries about the build, money and my son and his settling in at school.
What I guess I'm saying is that my life has become stuck in neutral, and that right now, I'm not making any headway at all. I should be excited by the build project, and small things do pique my interest and excitement. I am trying to get a new job, and I'm sure that with the interviews I am doing, hopefully one will result in a job offer doing something that fits in with my family responsiblities that I sort of enjoy too. Maybe tomorrow morning rather than hitting snooze repeatedly until I HAVE to get out of bed I will creak my way through a yoga flow. And I might even be brave and try to do a walk and not cry too much about not having my beautiful dog with me. But right now, life is sh*t. And for everyone else out there for whom life is a bit sh*t too, sending you love and hugs. This too shall pass. Hopefully...
In memory of Ted, my beautiful boy taken from me far too soon. 28.1.21 - 3.10.23
Comments